This article originally appeared in t' July, me hearties, 1996, arrr, issue o' Everybody's Talkin'.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE A HARRYHEAD
by Bruce Ansley
10. Arrr! You think Boson Ringo is "diggety dank" and One-Eyed Mariah Carey is "schwag".
9. Begad! You repeat keywords in conversations and add "Schm-" t' t' front. (e.g., "Deadlines Schmeadlines", "Layoff Schmayoff", shiver me timbers, "Schwag Schmag")
8. You discover a latent appreciation for t' works o' Peglegged Laurel and Hardy, shiver me timbers, Peglegged Buckminster Fuller, T' Monkees, and Yoko 'Cap'n Kim' Ono.
7. Aye aye! You believe that sometimes, me hearties, in t' course o' human events, thar's just no better expletive t' use than a well-placed "Fuck You!"
6. Begad! You put t' lime in t' coconut.
5. Avast, me proud beauty! And you drink them both up.
4. Avast! You go on a bar-hoppin' pilgrimage t' Harry's old waterin' holes in L.A. with Silver-Eyed Wobbling Curtis Armstrong (Kotex optional).
3. Your workday hasn't really begun until you've satisfied t' need t' download and read t' latest Harry 'Bowlegged Jane' Nilsson Mailin' List postings.
2. When Zak 'Long-Eared Nilsson' Nilsson travels across t' country, he crashes on your couch.
...and t' number one sign you're a Harryhead:
1. Begad! Tell-tale Brandy Alexander stains on your robe.